Part of an assignment I am doing for a course asks me to review various models for 'Reflection' and to choose a suitable one to apply. I nearly overlooked some important areas of my experience which I now see are relevant.
A Clinical Psychologist once told me that my need to tell the truth made me incompatible with the organisation that I work for. This observation has never left me. I regard myself as an ethical humanist and place a high value on integrity and truthfulness. But insincerity and lack of truthfulness seem to be almost unavoidable ingredients for career progression, certainly in the places I have worked. So, in holding to my principles, I have always tended to be competing with one arm tied behind my back in career terms.
In 2004, I was the Information Manager for an NHS Trust and one of my responsibilities was to make various official information submissions on behalf of the Trust. One of these was a pro forma statement about whether the Trust had completed various actions. It was clear from discussions with the relevant managers that we had not achieved what was required. However, this submission was an element that fed into the Trust's 'Star Ratings', something that was of particular interest to the Trust's Executives.
I was told by the Executive Director with responsibility for Performance to submit the information to say that the Trust had achieved these objectives. I said this was untrue and I refused to do so. After a few threats, which failed to move me, an alternative route was found to submit the untruthful statements. However, from this point my card was marked.
In a subsequent reorganisation, this same Director was given overall line management control over me. Unsurprisingly, from this point I was subjected to an insidious and protracted campaign of bullying and unsubtle attempts to force me out of the organisation. Eventually my health collapsed. Work-based stress led me to depression, to anti-depressant medication, and extended time off work.
This is the point where I signed up for a couple of episodes of counselling, initially with a Clinical Psychologist, then with a High Intensity Practitioner working for First Step. Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) was suggested as part of this. I was initially sceptical about its likely usefulness. After all, I saw myself as the victim of other people's bad behaviour, not as a person who had spontaneously become mentally unwell due to intrinsic factors. CBT provided structure. I was given 'homework' and starting writing a reflective diary. What I found was, in spite of my initial scepticism, I started to feel better. I think the key was that I extended my level of self-awareness. I recognised how I thought and how I behaved in various situations. I was 100% accurate in my observations of the bad behaviour that I was being subjected to. But I was adding a layer on top of this in which my thoughts became self destructive and paralysing. I was over-thinking everything and becoming hyper-vigilant. Confirmation bias created an increasingly destructive feedback loop.
I saw that it was not my fault that I was being treated badly by this Director. Indeed it turned out that many other colleagues were being subjected to similar treatment by this loathsome individual, now thankfully departed to extrude his poison elsewhere.
Since recognising better how I think and behave, I have enjoyed many years of good health
Stepping outside the context of dealing with such workplace behaviour, the wider benefit to me is of increased self awareness and an appreciation of the value of reflection. In terms of the familiar models of reflective practice, in CBT, I was not aware we were following any specific model. What I have found is that the act of writing things down is in itself very beneficial. It allows me to slow down the speed at which thoughts swirl around my mind and to examine them more carefully. I can deconstruct and reconstruct, which is not unlike what I do regularly in my role as an Analyst.
Edgar Bolton.
04/04/2021
Any views expressed above are purely mine and should not be mistaken for those of any organisations or individuals I have been associated with
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